STORIES FROM THE MENS ROOM

Statutory warning: If the idea of male peeing habits is offensive stop now. Not warned off? Right, read on. I had always wondered if I was the odd guy out, especially in the "peeing habits" department, till I found an article on the web that put my inherent insecurity to rest. Thus assured, I talked the issue over with a few close pals, and after comparing notes, I am happy to announce that all my pals and I, are absolutely normal. So much so that by buddies insisted that I write, "What Do Guys Do While Peeing, But You Never Knew".
If you are a member of the species, which sits while peeing, there are a lot of things you don't know about the little pleasures that guys derive while peeing. And if you are just another insecure bloke, rest assured: you are normal. My earliest memories are as a kid in school-during the recess us guys used to rush to the loo to empty our bladders. All the young turks, each in his own stall going about his business, till one joker gets it into his head that he must check his hydraulics out by peeing over the stall partition into the adjacent urinal, thus starting an impromptu competition. I managed to hold my own...and of course there were disasters, but that's another story.
Moving into the teens, I discovered that most guys when they enter a public urinal, always head straight to a stall that's at either end of the line. As a cardinal rule, never, ever, next to another bloke going about his rightful business.If either end stalls are occupied, then you occupy the middle one, provided there are five or more. If all the stalls are occupied, then one just waits and squirms till an end stall without a bloke occupying an adjacent one is vacant. If by chance someone beats you to a vacant urinal (most likely to happen in a theatre) then you head for a closed cubicle and aaah....
Why do guys do this? As always, many theories. One is the fear of you being taken for a pervert. Or perhaps it's because we are scared that the guy next door will peek over and compare size and girth. What's worse is the fear that the joker is a compulsive splasher and loves to clean the pot thoroughly. Nobody really knows...but it's a fact.
In a public urinal, there's strictly no talking. You go about your business while humming the latest, or checking out the graffiti. And positively no eye contact with a guy you don't know. And yes, once you are done with most of us add a bit of fresh spit into the urinal. This is probably a hangover from the notion that the very air is polluted and so cleaning out the mouth would also be a good idea. I forget, whilst doing the do with ample company around, flatulence is a general no no. As a rule if we have to let one out, we make sure it's a silent one. Or try to make sure…

The advent of the automatic laser guided flush in public urinals has added a new fun element to peeing. Most of us never stand still while peeing, especially if one is inebriated-thus you tend to stagger and lurch about a little. The point being, the automatic do-dad doesn't understand our movements, thereby the flush keeps starting on and going off-don't ask me how we manage to keep our fronts dry...that's a trade secret though.
Naphthalene balls in a urinal are a major attraction to most guys. I for one love to aim at them and play my own version of urinal billiards and watch the foam rise. But my favourite is peeing in a regular potty-start peeing and at the same time hit the flush-the object being to finish peeing before the flush stops. If in a public potty (most likely in the office), us guys make sure that the stream doesn't hit the water in the bowl, you aim at the ceramic side, so that there's no water splashing sound at all.
When out hooching with the boys, on the way back home, a pee-break amidst nature is mandatory for us. All the guys stand in a line and let loose...the idea being who can pee the longest and who is capable of peeing the furthest. Anything for a competition. If by chance there's a strong wind blowing, you do make it a point not to stand downwind of a guy. Often in a sozzled state, one doesn't realize that one is peeing into the wind...that's when an onlooker is amazed at the fancy footwork we are capable of while trying to avoid getting splashed by your own pee.Talking of the pleasures of peeing outdoors, if one finds a convenient plant that needs to be watered, us guys usually help out the municipal department by adding fortified vitamins so that the young sapling may grow big and strong. If by chance the plant happens to be lower than the equipment in hand, we do make sure that it's thoroughly cleaned of all the dust and grime that it has accumulated. Oh...how can I forget, loose soil is irresistible to us guys...you just let loose and watch the puddle form and froth.
But best is peeing in the snow, as I found out a long time ago at Rohtang...as it is, the cold and the numerous layers of clothes make it difficult to find yourself, but once the matter is in hand, guys will usually doodle all over the snow and let loose their inherent drawing talent.Any other gems that you chaps can add to this list ?

By Ranajit Tendolkar
As contributed to MW Apr 2006